On Sunday 26th July, I was about to call you, to tell you about our short trip to Marrakesh. To tell you what I saw there, how are the Moslems there fasting, the desert climate, etc. I know you love to hear story.. But I thought it was already time for Subuh praying in Indonesia, it supposed that you are not going to take my call. This time differences influenced our communication.
Last February when I was home after two years in Germany, I told you about everything. My life, my study, the people here, cities I've visited, countries I've visited, etc. You listened to me carefully. I told you about my short trip to Den Haag and you listened to it carefully. I know that you know Denhaag, from our nation history, as you love geography (you said Ilmu Bumi) and history subjects at school. I promised my self, even I imagined it already in my head, I'd buy you ticket for Euro trip, to show you Netherlands, Den Haag, and Paris. I remember, you never got on a plane.
Two weeks before you´re gone, 8th June, exactly the last time I heard your voice, I woke you up before Sahur time. It was just Iftar time for me. Your voice indicated that you were just woke up from your sleep. You said things that you usually said to me on the phone, "don't forget to pray. Don't forget to teach Alif to pray and to read Qur'an." You repeated it as always.
Then that morning, 27th July 2016 (22 Ramadhan), I was eating my sahur. First sister called me via Whatsapp. I thought that mother wants to speak with me, as they were in the hospital waiting for my niece (he got dengue fever). It turned out that she was crying. She said that you're gone. All of the sudden. You had no pain or sickness. Once you've told me about your cholesterol. But just that. No major pain or anything else. Even you've called second sister this morning. So normal..
Maybe this is why, I kept thinking on this quite oft lately. What if you or mom suddenly go forever..or what if I go first. If I ask myself whether I regret my self for what I havent't done yet, of course. There will be no enough time for everything..Even my previous posting is a poem from a "Ema" which then I changed to to "Apa" just a minute before. Several weeks ago, I read some articles about "how to cope with lost and sadness", that kind of article. I didn´t know why I was so interested to read them. Is it what people called "firasat" (specific feeling about what would happen)?
I believe in "takdir Allah", a final destiny for human being. I know that this finally will happen to everyone. It is just a matter of time. But still..isn´t it too early? Or is it just me who could not forgive myself about things that I haven´t done for you?.
I remember your life after you and mom divorced, around 2002. It must be a very lonely years for you, the last 15 years. You did everything alone. Eat, pray, sleep, all alone. It is what I regret the most. It is what I regret the most. Even though I know that all of us, will be alone at last. It is what I regret the most.
I hope that we will meet again someday. I hope to see you again someday. And I will tell you everything, what I want to tell you. Until that day, may Allah places you in the best place. May Allah accept all your good deeds. May Allah forgive all your wrongdoings. May Allah leads me to His way, so we can meet again someday. May Allah grants me ikhlas and sabr.
